Sarah stared at her phone, scrolling through family photos from last Christmas. Her 28-year-old daughter lived just twenty minutes away, but they hadn’t spoken in three weeks. Not because of any big fight or dramatic falling out. Just… distance. The kind that builds slowly over years until you wake up one day realizing your adult child treats you more like an obligation than someone they genuinely want around.
She kept thinking about what her daughter had said during their last awkward coffee date: “Mom, you never really saw me as a person. Just as an extension of yourself.” The words stung because somewhere deep down, Sarah knew they weren’t entirely wrong.
The truth many parents refuse to face is this: parent child respect doesn’t automatically come with the title. It’s earned through years of small choices, daily interactions, and how we show up when our kids need us most. If you want your children to genuinely respect and cherish you as adults, some deeply ingrained habits need to go.
The Foundation of Lasting Parent Child Respect
Psychologists have identified specific patterns that either build or destroy the foundation of long-term family relationships. These aren’t obvious parenting mistakes like yelling or neglect. They’re subtler habits that feel normal in the moment but gradually erode the respect your children have for you.
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Dr. Jennifer Martinez, a family therapist with over 15 years of experience, explains: “Kids are incredibly perceptive. They notice when parents consistently put their own emotional needs first, even if it’s done unconsciously. That awareness shapes how they view the relationship for decades.”
The children who grow up to have genuinely close, respectful relationships with their parents share something in common: their parents treated them like complete human beings rather than mini-mes or emotional support systems.
Eight Habits That Destroy Long-Term Respect
These behaviors might feel natural or even justified in the moment, but they create lasting damage to parent child respect:
- Using children as emotional dumping grounds – Sharing adult problems, relationship drama, or financial stress with kids who aren’t equipped to handle that weight
- Making everything about your own experience – Constantly redirecting conversations back to your own childhood, your struggles, or how things were “in your day”
- Refusing to acknowledge when you’re wrong – Never apologizing, always finding ways to justify your behavior, or making excuses instead of taking responsibility
- Treating their independence as betrayal – Getting offended when they have different opinions, make choices you wouldn’t make, or don’t need you as much
- Competing with them instead of supporting them – Feeling threatened by their achievements, minimizing their successes, or making their wins somehow about you
- Ignoring their emotional needs while demanding attention for yours – Being unavailable when they need support but expecting them to drop everything for your problems
- Using guilt and manipulation to control behavior – Phrases like “after everything I’ve done for you” or “you’re breaking my heart” when they set boundaries
- Never asking about their inner world – Only discussing logistics, grades, or behavior without genuine curiosity about their thoughts, dreams, or feelings
| Habit | What Kids Learn | Adult Relationship Impact |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional dumping | My feelings don’t matter | Keep distance to protect mental health |
| Never apologizing | Adults don’t have to be accountable | Lose respect for your integrity |
| Making it about you | I exist to serve your needs | Feel unseen and unheard |
| Competing instead of supporting | Love is conditional on not outshining you | Hide successes to avoid conflict |
What Healthy Parent Child Respect Actually Looks Like
Children who maintain close, respectful relationships with their parents as adults share common experiences. Their parents consistently showed genuine interest in who they were becoming, not just who they wanted them to be.
Dr. Robert Chen, a child development specialist, notes: “Parents who earn lasting respect are the ones who can separate their own identity from their child’s choices. They celebrate their kids’ independence rather than feeling threatened by it.”
These parents also modeled the behavior they wanted to see. When they made mistakes, they owned them. When their children expressed different viewpoints, they listened with curiosity rather than defensiveness. They created space for their kids to be human beings with complex inner lives.
The most respected parents learned to manage their own emotional needs through appropriate channels – friends, partners, therapists, or support groups – rather than unconsciously burdening their children.
Breaking the Cycle Before It’s Too Late
The good news is that these patterns can change at any stage of parenting. Whether your children are still young or already adults, shifting these habits can transform your relationship.
Start by examining your motivations. When you share something with your child, ask yourself: “Is this for their benefit or mine?” When they disagree with you, notice if your first instinct is to convince them you’re right or to understand their perspective.
Parent child respect grows when children feel safe being themselves around you. That safety comes from knowing their thoughts and feelings matter, that mistakes won’t be met with shame, and that your love isn’t contingent on them making you feel good about yourself.
Licensed therapist Amanda Foster observes: “The parents who maintain the strongest relationships with their adult children are often the ones who did the hardest work on themselves. They recognized that raising children was as much about their own growth as their kids’.”
Remember that respect is never demanded or guilted into existence. It’s cultivated through years of consistent, thoughtful interactions where children feel valued for who they are, not what they provide for your emotional needs.
FAQs
How do I know if I’m emotionally dumping on my child?
Pay attention to how your child responds. Do they seem tense, change the subject, or try to fix your problems? These are signs they feel responsible for your emotional state.
Is it too late to change if my kids are already adults?
It’s never too late. Start by acknowledging past patterns and making different choices going forward. Many adult children appreciate when parents take responsibility and make genuine changes.
How can I support my child without making everything about me?
Ask open-ended questions about their experience and resist the urge to immediately share your own similar story. Let them finish completely before responding.
What if my child seems to prefer my ex-spouse or other relatives?
This often happens when those people provide emotional safety without the baggage. Focus on changing your own behavior rather than competing for affection.
Should I apologize for past mistakes even if my child hasn’t brought them up?
Yes, if you recognize patterns that may have hurt them. A sincere apology without expecting forgiveness can open doors to healing.
How do I manage my own emotions without burdening my children?
Develop a support system of peers, consider therapy, and practice self-care strategies. Your emotional wellbeing is your responsibility, not your child’s.