Sarah stares at her phone screen, thumb hovering over the “unmatch” button. The guy she’s been talking to for three days just asked her out for coffee. He’s kind, funny, and they share the same obscure taste in indie films. But her friends’ voices echo in her head: “He’s maybe a 7, you’re definitely an 8.5. You can do better.”
She closes the app without responding.
Two hours later, she’s sitting in her therapist’s office, frustrated and confused. “I don’t understand why I sabotage every connection,” she says. Her therapist, Dr. Martinez, leans forward. “Tell me, when did you start thinking about dating like a transaction?”
The marketplace myth that’s destroying modern romance
Walk through any college campus or scroll through social media, and you’ll hear it everywhere. People talk about “sexual market value,” “leagues,” and “trading up” like they’re discussing stock portfolios instead of human hearts.
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Dr. Rachel Coleman, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, has been watching this trend with growing concern. “Students come to my office using language that would make a Wall Street trader proud,” she says. “They’ve internalized this idea that love operates on supply and demand curves.”
The dating marketplace concept suggests that people have measurable “value” based on looks, income, status, and other quantifiable traits. According to this logic, everyone should aim for the highest-value partner they can “afford” in this romantic economy.
But Coleman’s research reveals a troubling truth: this mindset isn’t helping people find love. It’s actually making them miserable.
What happens when love becomes a ledger
Coleman conducted a study following 200 college students over two years, tracking their dating experiences and mental health outcomes. The results were stark.
Students who viewed dating as a marketplace showed significantly higher rates of:
- Anxiety around romantic interactions
- Self-objectification and body image issues
- Difficulty forming authentic emotional connections
- Chronic dissatisfaction with potential partners
- Fear of “settling” or being “settled for”
“When you reduce yourself to a series of metrics, you stop seeing yourself as a whole person,” Coleman explains. “And more importantly, you stop seeing others as whole people too.”
| Marketplace Mindset | Healthy Dating Approach |
|---|---|
| Focus on “value” and status | Focus on compatibility and connection |
| Constant comparison shopping | Appreciation for individual uniqueness |
| Fear of “overpaying” or “underselling” | Mutual respect and genuine interest |
| Transactional interactions | Authentic emotional exchanges |
The most damaging aspect? People start viewing rejection as a reflection of their “market value” rather than simple incompatibility. “I had one student tell me she felt like ‘damaged goods’ after a few bad dates,” Coleman recalls. “That’s not dating terminology. That’s economic language applied to human worth.”
The real psychology behind attraction and connection
Here’s what actually drives lasting romantic connections, according to decades of psychological research:
Proximity and familiarity matter more than perfection. The “mere exposure effect” shows we tend to prefer people we encounter regularly. That coworker who seemed average at first might become incredibly attractive over months of friendly interactions.
“Attraction isn’t a standardized test,” says Dr. James Peterson, a relationship researcher at Stanford. “It’s deeply personal, contextual, and often surprising.”
Shared experiences create stronger bonds than shared statistics. Two people who laugh at the same weird joke or get caught in the rain together often feel more connected than perfectly “matched” profiles on paper.
Emotional availability trumps conventional attractiveness in long-term satisfaction. Coleman’s research found that couples who described their partners as “emotionally generous” reported higher relationship satisfaction, regardless of physical appearance or social status.
The timing factor is crucial but unpredictable. Someone might be your perfect match on paper, but if they’re dealing with job stress or family issues, the timing might not work. Six months later, the same person could be ready for something beautiful.
Breaking free from the marketplace mentality
Coleman has developed practical strategies to help her students escape the dating marketplace trap:
The curiosity practice: Instead of evaluating dates like job interviews, approach them with genuine curiosity. Ask yourself: “What’s interesting about this person?” rather than “What’s their market value?”
Value appreciation over assessment: Notice qualities that don’t fit on a dating app profile. How do they treat service workers? What makes them laugh? How do they handle unexpected changes?
Reframe rejection: When someone isn’t interested, it’s information about compatibility, not your worth. “You wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t genuinely want to be with you,” Coleman reminds her students.
One of Coleman’s former students, Marcus, describes his transformation: “I used to mentally calculate everyone’s ‘league’ and stress about whether I deserved to ask them out. Now I just focus on whether we have fun together. It’s so much simpler.”
The results speak for themselves. Students who shift away from marketplace thinking report feeling more confident, enjoying dates more, and forming deeper connections.
“Love isn’t an economy,” Coleman says. “It’s an ecosystem. Instead of competing for scarce resources, we’re all looking for the right environment where we can flourish together.”
FAQs
Is it wrong to have standards in dating?
Having preferences and boundaries is healthy. The problem comes when you reduce people to numerical rankings or treat compatibility like a transaction.
But doesn’t physical attraction matter?
Physical attraction is important, but it’s more complex and personal than marketplace thinking suggests. What attracts you to someone often has nothing to do with conventional ratings.
How do you know if you’re settling?
You’re not settling if you genuinely enjoy someone’s company, respect them, and feel respected in return. You’re settling if you’re staying with someone you don’t actually like because you think it’s the best you can do.
What about dating apps that seem to encourage marketplace behavior?
Use apps as introduction tools, not evaluation systems. Focus on having interesting conversations rather than optimizing your profile like a product listing.
How do I stop comparing myself to others in dating?
Remember that compatibility isn’t universal. Someone might be perfect for their partner while being completely wrong for you, and that’s exactly how it should be.
Can this approach really work in competitive dating environments?
Paradoxically, yes. When you stop competing and start connecting authentically, you become more attractive because you’re being genuinely yourself rather than performing a role.